Lesbians.

(This the only column I wrote for the college paper that I did not submit to be published. You might be able to figure out why.)

There comes a time in every man’s life when he must lie in the arms of lesbians. Check the list of needs for any normal guy and it looks something like this: 1. eat 2. sleep 3. beer 4. lesbians (not necessarily in that order). The problem with lesbians is well, they are lesbians. You can not touch them, you can not play with them and you surely can not have sex with them. Despite what you may have seen in Chasing Amy, let me assure you that sweet talking a lesbian will not cause her to immediately forget about her sexuality.

Why do guys wet their pants when they see two girls going at but women would be traumatized for years if they witnessed gay guys getting down? A complex question for sure, but the answer is surprisingly simple. Men actually believe (I do not know why) they can someday bag a lesbian. Therefore when they watch lesbians what they are really seeing is two naked girls rolling around who will one day tickle their pickle. Two naked guys, well, that’s just a little too much hair to be visually appealing. If I were a girl, and no I don’t imagine that more than 4 times a week, I’d totally take watching lesbians play in the mud than watching gay men hammer around. Now could you ever imagine a straight man uttering the following statement: “Oh yeah, I love watching Steve and Mark make sweet love. Lesbians just don’t do it for me.” Thus we have the paradox of gayness.

The whole point of this column was supposed to be how I hate lesbians and maybe hate is not a strong enough word. I despise lesbians. Why would God make beautiful girls who only want to be with other beautiful girls? Talk about holy torture. (Yes, I realize that not all lesbians are smoking, but I live in a fantasy world). While I hold out hope that some of them are just playing a cruel game of hard to get, I realize I will probably be forever cursed to being with only beautiful straight girls. It’s something I must deal with every morning when I roll out of bed and if the numbers are correct, over 42 % of men are suffering from “I’ll never nail a lesbian” syndrome.

I know you are all thinking this has nothing with the University of Richmond, for surely lesbians are way too diverse to attend this school. However, this assumption would be wrong. They are all over the place. They work at the library. They work at D-hall. And at last count, 17 professors were suspected of being hardcore bush hunters.

To give this column some legitimacy, I did a little research by searching for lesbians on Yahoo. After weaving through (weaving = not looking at for more than 10 minutes) the more raunchy sites, I finally came to the first one with some real information. Disregarding the address of the site, lustydevil.com, I read about how recently out lesbians could generate a white lesbian name in order to “cast off the name of their oppressors”. A noble idea indeed. My white lesbian name, and I am not making this up, Pony Windynut.

Back on topic, for those few men out there who still believe they can get a lesbian to give up their lifestyle for a piece of their meat, keep this in mind: Lesbian DO NOT like penis. Actually, this may be the reason why they are lesbians in the first place. It is a known fact that 5 % of all women suffer from an intense fear of the penis (Note: Figures may or may not be accurate). The chances of converting one these girls inflicted with peniphelia is worse than your chances of finding at bargain at the school bookstore. That said, if someone out there does manage to achieve the impossible, let me know and I’ll give you a trophy or a cookie.