America: Same Same but Awesome

I've been home for a week now. However, even though I managed to escape Korea, it still likes to taunt me. I have not yet rid my body of all the harmful toxins that ate away at my soul over the last year. Everyone has a nasty hacking cough in Seoul, but when I get this going at home, people are genuinely disgusted.

The school probably ended up shorting me a few hundred bucks but when you're dealing with the Yellow Man, at some point, you just roll over and take it in the ass. And overall, I can't complain, I know a lot of people get screwed a lot harder by their schools. The last batch of photos is here, along with a couple videos at the bottom. One video is 15 minutes long, please do not watch it.

The flight home wasn't terrible, but I couldn't get to sleep, despite taking enough xanax to kill a small horse. When we landed in NY, the plane's parking spot was blocked so I had to wait an hour before getting off. It was like God's last evil trick of the year, "Ryan, I know you've dealt with these Asians for an entire year, but now, just for laughs, I'm gonna make you stay inside a metal tube surrounded by the bastards for another hour."

I was all paranoid about going through customs, since I was smuggling in about a 5 year supply of prescription drugs. But I guess I was white enough to not get picked out for inspection. I did declare the two liters of soju I brought home but when I tried to pay the tax at the cashier, the guy told me "Don't worry about it, thanks for being honest." I haven't had the stomach to crack open the soju yet, I'm saving it for when Bender is around, at which time, drinking soju will at least seem somewhat acceptable.

The day after I got home, I went to the supermarket and all of the white people and English was enough to almost get me to curl up into the fetal position, stick my thumb in my mouth and fall into a peaceful sleep on the floor. It was that enjoyable. I even saw three fat high school girls walking around the store together in their pajamas. That was pure American and it was beautiful.

It has been kind of weird getting used to New Yorkers again. Koreans bury their emotions and back down at any sign of conflict, and I sort of adopted that same mentality. But here, everyone is crass, in-your-face, if you look at me the wrong way, I'll kill you. I love it, but I'm still a little bit scared of New Yorkers right now. In Korea, people looked at me with apprehension in their eyes, I was that white thing to be stared at and analyzed. Here, I'm just another douchebag. And that's perfectly OK with me.

I got a job with the local Democratic committee. Basically, for the next month, I walk around town, knock on peoples' doors and find out if they are voting for the good guys. Even though I only go to houses where the people are registered Democrats, most of them want nothing to do with me. I'd say a good 20 percent of the houses I go to, the lights are on, TV blasting, but when I ring the bell, suddenly no one is home. The most depressing thing is how few people know anything about local politics. Who is that guy? I've never heard of him. I just want to smack these people.

That's all. Good to be home. To my buddies still in Korea, the next time you see a table and a pole, dance on it for me. Oh, and for the record, I've only been to Taco Bell once since I got home. Let's just say when you toss a few grande soft tacos into a body accustomed to only rice and vegetables for a year, turns out it doesn't work too well.

Homeward Bound (and Gagged)

Post #92 from Korea, and the final one. I'm throwing up a hot four-way of videos, which I don't expect anyone to watch, I couldn't even make it through them. I was trying to get the kids to be cute and say goodbye into the camera, and that just went terribly. In the first video, I had just told the kids that when I got home, I wasn't going to get a job but instead I would just steal my parents money. So they had a blast grabbing the camera from me and delivering that message to my parents. In the second one, it captures one of the rare times where I've been genuinely pissed off at a kid. When I utter the words "not funny", after a kid draws on my face and shirt with a marker, that could be translated into adult speak as "@$#@ off".

So yeah, I've got two more days of work, then I collect my huge final paycheck and catch a plane out of this place on Saturday. The school paid $1800 for the plane ticket, because they are retarded, but that's not really something I worry about. The only two things I have to worry about between now and 7:05 Saturday night when the bird touches down at JFK is making sure the school coughs up all the cash I'm due (but don't deserve) and deciding how many drugs I can take on the plane without lapsing into a coma.

Final thoughts on Korea? Don't care? That's OK, I'll give them to you anyway. My feelings towards this place have changed a lot since I first came, the first few months were all just new experiences and it was exciting. Around the 4th month, I really loved it here, it was getting easier at work and I wasn't feeling so isolated. And then there was a problem. You stay in Korea more than six months and that's enough time for the country to really bear down on you and beat you with its culture.

Simply put, foreigners just aren't treated properly in Korea. Screw the excuses about cultural differences and how Koreans aren't used to be around foreigners, you're either nice to people or you're an ass. And Korea is full of asses. The racism isn't blatant and it isn't in your face, probably one of the reasons I didn't really pick up on when I first got here, but dig a little deeper and it's there, and it's not a pretty picture. I've always felt alone in this country, even when surrounded by Koreans. It's tough to describe, but anyone whose been in Korea for any length of time knows that feeling I'm talking about.

The worst isolation, by far, has come at work. Nathan and I are up against a great beast, in the form of a bunch of Koreans who have no desire to even be remotely friendly towards us. It's easy to just say, so what, just ignore them, do your job and go home. And I convinced myself to do that a long time ago, but it still eats away at you, day by day. Somehow God forgot to give Koreans the gene that controls showing compassion towards people of different races. Here's an example, the teacher who will replace me will get here on Saturday night, just as I did last year. Then at Monday, at 2pm, still jet-lagged and probably awake since 5am, he'll be thrown to the wolves. He will walk into that office and the Korean teachers will look up from their desks for a second, smile and say hi, and five seconds later, all will be calm again. He will just be the next white guy. Besides Nathan, nobody will help him, nobody will ask him anything about his life, about how he's adjusting to Korea. He will be expected to teach 30 classes a week and teach them all well, without any direction as to how to teach, what materials to use, and if he doesn't do this, he will be looked down upon and treated like an idiot. It's an awfully difficult situation to come into, and all I can do is wish him the best. Although, for his sake, he better not see this blog until at least his 6th month here.

If I could do it all again, I wouldn't. As in, I wouldn't have come to Korea. Living abroad is an amazing experience and I think everyone should do it at least once in their life, but the world is full of incredible places and cities, and Seoul, South Korea is not one of them. I knew before I came here that I was choosing money over the experience and I also kind of knew before I came that would be a mistake. I should have gone to Thailand, but what's done is done and getting out of where I was with my life in America last year was still the best decision I've ever made.

I'm heading on a prolonged blog break, although I might post a few more photos and videos once I get home. Honestly, I appreciate the comments people have made about this blog, especially the ones that exaggerate my writing ability, which I will still accept at face-value. To any potential future employers, who will inevitably find this blog: Today (insert future date here), I'm a much different person. I don't even remember that douchebag who wrote this stuff. Please hire me. I'm probably very poor.

To everyone else, until next time, it's been fun. But not real fun.

Last night out downtown

Am I still here?

Any gains I made at the gym were wiped out over the past five days, with multiple trips to McDonalds, KFC and Pizza Hut, plus 85 beers, 15 jager shots and 10 gin-tonics. It had to be the first vacation I've ever had from work were I just wanted it to end. That wouldn't be the case if I wasn't 10 days from going home, but since it was, I tried my best to sleep 20 hours a day, waking only for alcohol and food intake. Before the holiday, I decided that I would hit up a few of the touristy sites around town during the break. I don't know what I was thinking, though. I had no desire to do that. There are two cool things to check out in Seoul, and that's Seoul Tower and the Korean War Museum, everything thing else is either a crappy temple or just crap.

I made my last trip out to Itaewon the other night and thankfully, it left with me with that dirty nasty taste in my mouth like always. On the bright side, we did go to this country bar uptop of Hooker Hill, where they seriously had every country song ever made. It was almost like being in Nashville, just chilling out and listening to some quality music, except there were $10 whores right outside the door and my friend was plowing his Korean girlfriend in the bathroom.

At Woodstock Tuesday night, unfortunately, I met a Korean guy who spoke perfect English and had traveled the world. And if there's one thing worse than a normal Korean, it's a douchebag who has been other places, comes back to Korea, and still has the nerve to defend Korea against it's insular, pure-blooded, f-the foreigners, attitude. He said Koreans have cause to discriminate because of poor behavior by American soldiers, namely when they ran over and killed a few people several years ago. I honestly almost brought up the VTech shooter, not because I believe for a second that would justify any sort of backlash against Koreans, but because that is the kind of ridiculous logic that flies in Korea.

Another foreigner posted this on a web forum, and it sums up the experience of white guy perfectly, and the fact is, if you don't agree with this as a foreigner, you're either drinking too much or you've got thicker skin than a elephant:
"The constant endless little things are what get to a person. Each tiny racist or discriminatory thing builds and builds. Imagine a paper cut and everyday you get a new paper cut on the same place...that's Korea."

Going out to lunch with my co-workers last week was about painful as expected. Me and Nathan were put in our little imaginary cage and separated from the rest of the group. Credit to the new Korean teacher, though, who planned the event and pretty much did talk to us the entire time. I worry about her, though, since she is constantly violating Topia's most cherished rule: Make the foreign teachers feel as unwelcome and uncomfortable as possible at all times...or face death.

Not much else to report, this is the homestretch and I'm just trying to make it through it alive. This weekend will be the last, which only means I won't remember it. Nice life.

Old Korean guys honestly don't have penises

That top photo basically sums up just about every experience I've had at tinpan in Hongdae. I get there and there's nobody dancing on the tables. I promise myself that I will not get on the table under any circumstances. But incredibly enough, after double fisting a couple jack and cokes and just a little peer pressure, well, that picture is what happens. They really shouldn't let people dance on the tables at that place. Since it's not really a table, but a two foot wide bar, and people tend to keep their drinks on top of it. Also, take a look at the girl hanging from the pole in the other photo, I almost wanted her to fall and die. Almost. But I've done the same thing. Basically it's just a terrible terrible place. (That I love).

I went to the gym here for the last time today. Somehow I made it an entire month, I really didn't think that was possible based on past observations of myself. My body fat percentage dropped from 13.8 to 9.3, which is amazing considering how much ice cream and sausage egg mcmuffins i eat. My body is still pathetic but I like to think I could beat up a 12 year old girl now, or at least keep it close. So, goodbye, gym, I probably won't be near one of you again for a solid 5 years.

Tomorrow was supposed to be my last day at the gym, but another awful work event has taken its place. The new Korean teacher, who is actually friendly to me and Nathan and makes an effort to treat us like humans and not white circus animals, suggested that the whole office go to Outback tomorrow for lunch since a five-day weekend is on tap for Korean thanksgiving. While this might be a nice thing for other places/offices, going out to eat with the office at my school is usually worse than getting your man-sack chomped on by a bulldog. Honestly, I'm not sure which I prefer. The worst part is that since it's for lunch, I can't get trashed, which is usually the only way I can remain even partially insane for these events.

One would think that with only a few weeks remaining here, or 7 more work days, I'd be able to just coast through my classes, happy to finally be able to see the end. Turns out, not true. Today I threw a kids notebook across the room. I wanted to hit him in the head, but I suspect not doing so was for the best. I'm trying to keep my brain on about 25 percent power at work, but even though I'm ready to relax and call it quits, kids are still kids and Korean kids still treat foreign teachers like they're some homeless guy lying on the side of the street. The racist attitude is branded into these kids at an early age, all for the purpose of setting them up to fit right in with their awful parents when they get older.

I spend most of my time in class now explaining to the kids what English words are curses and which ones are acceptable. Example, today I taught them that "Oh, shut" was fine to say when frustrated or upset and that "Oh, shit" should never be used, when adults are around. They have been having some trouble understanding how "Son of a Bitch" works though. First, they pronounce "bitch" as "beach" so I had to get them over that and make sure they knew how to spell and say bitch. Next, since most of them never heard the word "bitch" before one of their douchebag friends told them about "son of a bitch", they don't understand that the word "bitch" on its own is in fact a bad word. After I told them to stop saying s.o.b., they simply just starting shouting "Son of a" or just "Bitch". This does not work. One girl, in an attempt to annoy me, wrote on the board simply "Ryan= Son". I have never been less offended when someone has tried to insult me. So these kids have some serious work to do if they are ever going to properly curse someone out in English. I think I've at least explained the basics to them, the good words and the bad words. But they might need another lesson. At the end of class today, when they finally understood that bitch was a bad word, one kid said, "What about fuck?"

I've probably got two more blogs in me before I head home, which is a damn relief at this point, who is reading this crap, really? But more importantly, I have a solid 8-9 days of drinking left to do in this country. Because if there's one thing I haven't done enough of in Korea, it's drink soju alone in my apartment and blackout. The bartender at Showbar, who has grabbed my ass at least 5 dozen times, kissed my hand last weekend. And then, since I was drunk, and I'm gay, I kissed his hand. The bartenders said they are going to have a going away party for me, and if that does actually happen, I just can't imagine returning to America as an anal virgin anymore.

13 days left of work until 3 years of unemployment

Warning: This video contains children using the term "son of a bitch" repeatedly and also relentless mocking of the crusifiction of Jesus.

I've resigned myself to routine for my last month here. There was time, many many months ago, where I enjoyed the excitement of new things and new experiences in Korea. But now I'm perfectly content with gym-work-sleep during the week and going to the same two bars every Friday and Saturday night. Really, the only thing that changes is the names of the one-night Korean friends I make at the bars each weekend.

The end is near, which has caused needless worrying on my part. I stayed awake for about 3 extra hours the other night trying to figure out how I'm going to exchange my money before I get home. Teaching contracts are also heavily backloaded, meaning you gets most of your cash and benefits right before you go home. My school has given me no indication that they plan on screwing me over, but still, I won't be able to relax until I'm on that airplane flying across the ocean. I also obsess about the price of the flight. Which is absolutely retarded. Because the freakin' school pays for the ticket! Why the hell do I care? I blame all of this on the internet. I have too much free time and too much stupid, pointless information to consume.

In nearly a year here, I still cannot understand this: Why is it that Koreans will never, ever, never, hold an elevator door for you? If I walk into the school building and see the elevator door open before I'm right next to it, I already know I'm not getting in it. I could be sprinting towards the thing yelling and screaming and it wouldn't matter. Koreans won't even look up. They are like robots, get in, hit button, do not pass Go and definitely don't hold the door. In fact, I bet the open door button has never been pressed by a Korean unless it involves pushing a foreigner out and down into the elevator shaft.

"Teacher, do you like to masturbate?" That one is real.

Video- the small girl in the pink t-shirt is pure evil. prior to this video, she had already smashed me in the balls twice when i wasn't paying attention.

One month. Solid. I'm starting the mail-it-in period at work. Which means a lot of hangman and also a lot of kids drawing pictures of me on the board with a beard and turban and labeling me "Taliban". During a use a verb in a sentence with a different tense thingy, one student insisted on saying "I love Jason. I loved Jason. I will love Jason." He insisted he was not gay, although Jason was clearly embarrassed by these homoerotic gestures. I told that class to make up a story for homework and I already know one of the topics is going to be "Ryan is gay." I know this because at the end of class one girl said "I'm going to write about how Ryan is gay." I'm cool with that, though. If these kids can write a story in English, I don't care what it's about.

Last week, two students, twins, came into the office and said "Teacher, do you know masturbate?"I made them repeat it about six times before my brain was able to acknowledge what was going on. They said they learned it from a friend, and even though I don't think they know exactly what it means (One of them asked today if "masturbate is a movie?", they think its hilarious because I turn red whenever they say it. Actually, now that I think about, one student did ask me "Does masturbate feel good?" Too much. Even for me. These kids are 10 years old. I didn't even know I had a penis when I was 10.

I've cut out drinking during the week, even though I wasn't really doing much of it before anyway. Wait, actually, I got drunk last night. But that doesn't count because I was out with my co-workers and the alcoholics who work at the front desk kept pouring beer in my glass. I can not be to blame for that. But anyway, the result of this lifestyle change has only been to make me blackout more on the weekends. I have to make up those missed beers somehow. So that happened last Friday night when apparently I met a bunch of Koreans at a bar, hung out with them for a couple hours. Then I went back to the same place on Saturday, saw the same people again and had no clue that I had met them the night before. If that doesn't make me a terrible person, then I don't know.....screw it, I'm terrible.

The Korean government, and therefore, a large majority of Koreans have no clue how the world works. In order to get the hostages released in Afghanistan, they basically exposed their vagina and fucked over the rest of civilization. Sure, remove our troops, no problem. Want a hospital? We'll build that if you want. $20 million? It's all yours. All Koreans care about is other Koreans, and they don't even do a very good job at taking care of each other. I guarantee if the offer from the Taliban was "We'll release the 20 Korean hostages in exchange for the deaths of 500 " the Korean government jump on with a full hard-on. I wish I was exaggerating, but that is a fact. That is how this country operates and that's the mindset of most of its people.

Even though I'm more than ready to go home, it's kind of scary. Home means real life decisions and crap. Sign a contract and teach in Korea for a year and all you need to worry about is showing up for a work less than an hour late and remembering to brush your teeth. At home I'll have to get a car and crap. I don't even remember how to drive. Thankfully I do remember how to play video games and sit on the couch all day, and if there's one thing Korea has taught me over the last year, it's that I love videos games and the couch. And I'm sure they miss me too.

"Teacher, how old do I have to be to get some sweet-ass poon?"

This blog is suffering. I literally have no more photos. So here's a classic horsehead shot. When you're in a bind, you can never go wrong with the H-Head. I went out to Woodstock by myself on Friday night, just planning on having a couple beers and getting to bed early. But it was not to be. Two drunk girls started talking to me and they somehow convinced me to go with them to the crappy dance club in town. This is pretty unusual in the sense that it’s routine for drunk girls to talk to me just for their own amusement, then they tell me to call them and I don’t because they are either terrible or awful. But to actually leave a bar with two girls, they must have been really really drunk. Once we got outside, they insisted on holding my hand so I’m walking down the main drag in town in between two Korean girls. I was incredibly scared. Walking around town at 2am past a bunch of Korean dudes while two Korean girls are hanging on you is basically like me just kicking every single one of those guys in the balls. So I’m surprised they didn’t kick my ass. I might as well have challenged them to a “Whose got a bigger Schlong?” contest. That’s how embarrassing and deflating it is for a Korean man to witness white-on-yellow love.

I think the school director cut off the wireless internet in the office. I would ask about it, but they would know immediately I don’t need the internet for any work related purpose. “Um, hey, what’s wrong with the internet connection?” “Oh, I don’t know, Ryan, do you need it turned on so you can dick around the web watching baseball highlights and poking people on facebook? You asshole.” They wouldn’t actually say that, because even they aren’t retarded enough not to think it. So yeah, things have been rough at the office. I’ve been forced to download movies at night so I can watch them the next day at work. And that’s just inhumane.

I joined a gym last week for the sole purpose of losing 10 pounds so I can gain that all back in a week eating Taco Bell when I get home. Nathan, the other foreigner at my school, goes to the same gym so he’s helped to not look like a complete idiot. I still screw things up a lot, though, so the Korean trainer guys have to come over and yell at me all the time. I hurt my left arm, probably from doing too much the first couple of days after I forget I that the most strenuous workout I had ever done before that was pushing through my mother’s womb in 1982. So now I can’t touch my nose with my left hand. I may soon decide that I was right, and that exercise only ends up hurting you in the end.

The first day at the gym, an older guy helped me out when I accidently put about 200 pounds on a machine, instead of 20. So I was thinking alright cool, nice guy. Then last later on after I got out of the shower, the same guy comes running over to me pointing at the ground in an attempt to tell me to dry the floor. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about Koreans, they will jump at the first chance to order around a foreigner. Nevermind I had gotten out of the shower 20 seconds ago, (and it is wet in the shower), and I had ever intention of drying the floor after I was dressed, I thought this guy was going to strangle me. Next time I see him in the shower, I’m going to smack him in the face with it.

A bunch of my classes this semester are speaking classes. But instead of having the kids actually use theirs head and converse with each other, they just read dialogues from the book for 40 minutes, it's plain torture and I'm surprised the students don't just say "Teacher, get the F out of the classroom, I could learn more watching English pornos all day." (Note- They probably don't watch porn. At least not the good kind.)

I love it when they broadcast soccer games where all the players are 5 years old. They have two announcers and it's pretty professional looking, besides the whole Blind Date type pop-up bubbles that spring up above a kid's head. Not being able to read the bubbles actually makes it more entertaining because then when a fat kid falls on his ass and it pops up, you can just make up your own caption. Like "I'm such an ass" or "I'm never gonna laid when I get older."

Who loses their virginity to a prostitute? You guessed it, more than half of Korean men! So romantic!

This video is of the kids playing heads up 7-up the other day. It's not that good, but if you have 10 minutes to kill, well, enjoy. I used to let them play it all the time, but then it quickly fell apart. Some kid would inevitably smash another kid in the head or one kid gets picked like three times. I know these kids don't understand much of what I say, but, come on, it's a pretty simple game. Listening to my voice on these videos is getting kind of creepy. I speak terrible English, basically just short phrases, usually not sentences, like "Light on! Light on!" and I also seem to have picked up a weird Asian accent.

As I was walking home from a bar last night, I saw a Korean guy punch a girl in the face. She fell down in the middle of the street, crying. After a few minutes, the girl got up and ran away. The guy stood next to me and said something like "That's Korea." The sickest part of it all was the crowd reaction. All these other Korean guys just standing around and watching. If a guy punches a girl in the face in the middle of NYC, he's getting tackled, plain and simple. I wonder what would have happened if 9/11 took place in Korea, would people just crowd around the rubble for a few days, stare at the victims, and then go home? The basic lack of human compassion in this country is pretty unbelievable.

The girl drawing on the board in the picture above is destroying me at school. First off all, it looks like she drew of picture of me getting run over by a truck and that's kind of cruel. During class, she's in her seat for about 20 seconds and usually that's because I'm holding her down. One of her favorite things to do is to get behind me and use her hands to give me angel wings. The 10 other kids in the class love this. In fact, they are entertained by just about everything she does. I've made a mistake of just trying to ignore her, figuring she'd get tired if I just didn't give her any attention. This has not worked. I've tried to kick her out of the class 10 times, but she's smart and calls my bluff every time. Usually I'll go outside and tell her to follow me, she then closes the door and locks me out. A new semester starts this week, and if there is a God, any God whatsoever, she will not be in my class. Otherwise I've got another seven weeks of torture.

I know the end is getting near since I've been having dreams lately about what life will be like in America when I get back. And let me tell you, the skies are blue, the air is breathable, edible food can found and there isn't a Korean within a hundred miles of me. Sorry, that's harsh. 20 miles.

Video Blog, Bitches.

This will piss off millions of Koreans. Niiiiice.

Another crappy article of mine gets published in the Korea Times. I might not show this one to the teachers at school though, they won't like it: http://www.koreatimes.co.kr/www/news/opinon/2007/08/137_8093.html

Here's the text if you're too lazy to click the link:

I’m no fan of George W. Bush. In fact, I’d put him right near the top of the list of America’s worst presidents. But when I opened up The Korea Times on Thursday and read Tom Plate’s column calling for a hostage-prisoner swap with the Taliban, I was, for once, in complete agreement with Bush.

To call America’s longstanding policy of not negotiating with terrorists a ``dumb ideology” is naive and callous.

My heart goes out to all the Korean hostages and their families, what they are going through is an awful, despicable experience. And it’d be wonderful if we could just release a few prisoners and send those hostages back into the arms of their loved ones where they belong.

Unfortunately, the world we live in today is bit more complicated than that. Plate says that terrorists don’t need any encouragement, that they will find ways to attack us no matter whether we negotiate or not. That’s like handing over a bag of cocaine to a drug addict who’s suffering from severe withdrawal.

Well, hey, the addict was going to find his next fix anyway and if you can make his pain go away immediately, it’s just the humane thing to do. Or so Plate would seemingly argue.

It’s basic common sense that if one rewards bad behavior that behavior will usually find a way of repeating itself. Here’s another example: Say you tell a child not to eat cookies because snacks cause obesity. The child disobeys the order and instead of being strong, taking a stand and punishing the child, you instead give the child a container of ice cream.

Being strong and determined not to back down to terrorists is what should be beating through every Korean heart today. The second you decide to negotiate with terrorists, you recognize them as legitimate, you suddenly make their hatred worthwhile.

Plate suggests that it’s a ``fair trade” to swap the hostages for female muslim prisoners. A fair trade? We’re not talking about a couple baseball players switching uniforms.

Let’s remember who we are dealing with here. The Taliban aren’t a bunch of lunatic nobodies trying to make the headlines. They are cold, methodical killers, always looking for their next shot to spill blood. Release any Taliban prisoners and not only is there no guarantee the terrorists will uphold their end of the bargain, but it’s also a stirring defeat for freedom and liberty all over the world.

One of my students told me the other day that America was being ``selfish” by not stepping in to solve the crisis. Although he’s only 12 years old, I know that sentiment is shared by many people in this country. All I can say is, it’s not going to be easy, but Korea must find the strength to look at the big picture.

Three years ago, the Korean government rejected terrorist demands to remove its troops from Iraq after civilian Kim Sun-il was kidnapped. Thousands of Koreans protested to urge the government to give in. To their credit, Korea’s leaders refused. Kim was killed.

As difficult as it may be to seemingly turn our backs on innocent people begging for our help, the facts remains this: to show weakness towards terrorists is to only invite them to come back for more. Freeing a couple dozen hostages at the expense of putting countless more lives in danger at the hands of emboldened terrorists is something that should not, and can not, be done.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to live here forever, and then I wake up covered in blood and soaked in my own tears.

I’m at work on Saturday and the Internet is down. I can’t imagine many things worse than that scenario. I’ve got a five day weekend next week, but as is to be expected in Korea, holidays aren’t really holidays. I guess it’s a good tradeoff, one Saturday for three days off during the week, but right now it’s pretty awful.

I almost fought a kid in my class this morning. All he does is say how much he hates America. Bill O’Reilly would call me a far-left America-hating Kool-aid drinking liberal douchebag, but despite my lowly status, I still feel the need to defend America, especially in a country like Korea. This kid was going on about how America is selfish because it hasn’t helped free the Korean hostages from the Taliban. Well, look little kid, it’s the damn Taliban, what do you want America to do? Go up to them and ask nicely? Koreans would love it if the Afghan gov’t gave in and released the Taliban prisoners in exchange for freeing the Koreans. There’s a reason, though, why you don’t negotiate with terrorists, and it’s basically common sense. You make that swap, and guess what happens next week, and the week after that, more hostages, more demands. The thing is Koreans wouldn’t care if next month 100 Italians or 100 Americans were taken hostage, it might not even make front page news. As long as the almighty Koreans are free, all is well in the world, screw everyone else. I read an article that said the incident might sour U.S.-Korea relations. At this point, maybe that’s a good thing.

I never posted this on Saturday and it’s now Monday afternoon and I’m waiting at the dentist office for my 100^th appointment in the last couple months. I spend more money at the dentist than most people spend on food every year. I wish someone had told me when I was 13 that drinking 5 cans of soda a day and brushing your teeth once a week will cause serious problems a decade later. But I’m not leaving this office until they’re done, I just spent five minutes arguing with the receptionist, who kept flipping through the calendar and saying “appointment, appointment.” No chance, I need a two month break from the dentist. I’ll sit here until Wednesday if that’s what it takes.

A new semester starts at school in a couple weeks and the head Korean teacher called me out into the hall today to get my opinion on some of the books she’s looking at assigning. Earlier in my contract, I would have just said fine, whatever, they’re all great. But at this point, I figure I might as well tell them when they are being retarded, for the sake of the kids. The book she showed me had a bunch of newspaper articles in it followed by simple who, what, when, where questions. The book was 25 pages long. I could finish teaching that book in about a week. I told her it was way too short, another Korean teacher, who’s a moron, argued the book was fine, you could just give the kids tests to take up the time. What they should have known about my teaching methods by now is that I prefer, in fact I insist, that I put in the least effort possible. Making up tests takes time = I don’t do it.

I hate any kind of surprise gathering/lunch/dinner/anything involving me having to sit around a table with my co-workers. This happened on Saturday afternoon as I guess the director was feeling bad for making us work. So she ordered everyone Chinese food. I really just wanted to take mine, sit at my desk and watch a movie, but that probably would have pissed everyone off. The new foreign guy, Nathan, got his first real glimpse of what it's like to eat with these people. "So what's the weather like in New Zealand?" "Well, it rains a lot more there". Korean, blah blah, whine whine, blah. Five minutes later...."Do you like chicken?" "Yeah, it's great." Blah, I'm terrible, Korean, blah. At one point, Nathan told the director how the kids are always surprised when he tells them children in New Zealand only go to school from 9am-3pm. Director: "You didn't go to academy after school?" Nathan: "No." Director: "You must have been poor."

I lost my new camera over the weekend. I assume it was when I was grinding up against a pole again or jumping up and down in a giant circle jerk with Korean guys. So that means crappy photos posted here for a while (aka Bender half naked), unless I decide to go buy a new memory card for my old camera, but I’d have to leave the 1-mile radius around my apartment to do that, which doesn’t happen unless I think I have a chance to get laid.

I just read something online that said Rudy Giuliani’s daughter was in a ‘Barack for President’ group on facebook. Not only has his son to told him to screw-off, now his 17-year-old daughter is lining up behind a diehard Democrat. Now that’s just hilarious. It’s one thing to have a few family problems, but jesus, Rudy’s family is more messed up than a couple of crackheads living in a box trying to raise 9 kids. If he’s gets the Republican nomination with that kind of track record, Republicans will pretty much have to scrap the whole “pro-family” mantra. Oh, and the best part about Rudy’s daughter’s facebook profile. She’s interested in men and she’s looking for: random play, whatever I can get. Holy Shit. That’s what douchebags like me put in their profiles. The only chicks who do that are either really fat or really big sluts. Either way, I think I’m going to poke her later tonight.

"Bad Teacher I Hate you"- my last text message

I made a few videos at school today. I purposefully tried to plant the camera in the corner of the room so the kids didn't know it was on, otherwise they go nuts. However, this discreetness led to a number of closeup crotch shots of myself, and I apologize for that. The first video is of a class of 10 girls, all about age 8. They speak very little English and you can see they get frustrated at times and you can also see they pay absolutely no attention to me unless I'm standing right over them. This is one of those classes that if I had it when I first started teaching, I would have ran out of the room and started crying. Even watching the video now, afterwards I need to take a nap. The other two videos are just singing. A lot. I sound like I'm drunk in them because I sing way too loud and off-key. Like I've said before, I enjoy singing more than the kids.

I'm still pretty sick. I've coughed up enough phlegm in the last month to drown a small child. I still refuse to go to the doctor because even though it will only cost me 3 bucks, the doctor will look at me, probably prescribe the wrong medication and then I'll end up dying. Sorry, Michael Moore.

I have to work this Saturday because you can't just get vacation days in Korea. Kids must be learning English at all time. I'm supposed to meet the beat married chick at Woodstock on Friday night. I'm not sure why I agreed to this. Last weekend, her husband left and she kept touching me again, which was gross, and then later, even though she doesn't speak english well, she said something like "So we are just friends?" I wanted to say Yeah, I'd rather my manhood remain outside my body instead of shriveling up and dying inside my stomach. But I might meet her anyway, solely for entertainment purposes.

Since all of my poker income has dried up (Thanks, Bill Frist), I've been trying to think of other easy ways to make a lot of money sitting on my ass. Surprisingly, this isn't that easy. I did some research on currency trading, it seemed easy enough, I would just bet against the U.S. dollar since it's been in a freefall. So I signed up for an account but I didn't deposit anything, figured I'd try it out first with a free account. They gave me 50 G to work with. I lost 35 G in about three days. In light of this, I've decided it might be a bad idea to deposit money. If anyone knows of another easy way to make money while I watch movies and sleep, let me know (I already teach English in Korea).

I watched a lot of Dane Cook at work today. As much I watched it, though, I just kept trying to figure out what parts were supposed to be funny. I tried really hard to find the appeal because apparently college kids love him and I like to think I'm not THAT old yet. But man, for the most part, the guy just runs around the stage like an idiot, makes a few mediocre obvious jokes and then the crowd starts having seizures. I've been to few parties in America where everyone's been drunk and someone will be like "Hey! guys lets watch this Dane Cook DVD. It's hilarious, man!" And I laugh because I want to fit in and be cool, but wow, Dane Cook may be the least funny guy in America. It's similar to my feelings on Entourage. What came first? Did people watch it and actually say "Shit, this is a good show" or did it become so damn trendy to watch that once people did catch it, they were forced to like it or risk having to sit in the corner crying with no friends. Actually I shouldn't bash Entourage right now, since last Sunday's episode admittedly was hilarious, but you get my point. Shut up.

If one more Korean kid tries to stick their hands up my ass...

I posted my resume on the main Korea teaching job boards and I got an email the next day offering an interview for a job next year paying about $2500 a month plus 13 weeks paid vacation. I actually was considering it for a couple hours, but then I realized if I came back here again it would be solely for the money. I would jump at an interview for that job. In any other country. There's a reason why foreign teachers get paid so much here, they have to offer absurd amounts of money in order to lure people away from the rest of Asia. That being said, there's a price that I could be bought at. Maybe a university job working 20 hours a week plus $60,000 a month. Yeah, i think it'd come back to Korea then.

I've made up for my lack of skills with girls by becoming best friends with a bunch of middle aged Korean men. I met one guy last Sunday at Woodstock while he was watching a soccer game, he told me to meet him there again on Wednesday for the next game. So I did and as expected I didn't pay any money but got way too drunk for a Wednesday. Korea lost the soccer game so him and his buddies were all depressed. During the game, they all just yelled out "Shibbal" (Fuck) or "Geseki" (Son of a Bitch) over and over again. It took me a few months to figure out that geseki was really a curse word. The students say it in class all the time and they told me that it was a "dog baby" so I just thought that was cute so I decided to say it all the time, too. But lucky for me, it seems the kids don't go home and tell their parents their white teacher curses at them all the time.

There was a married couple at Woodstock with my new old friend and it was the wife's birthday. She was 31 or something. But I told her that her face looked 24. That was a lie. Her face was awful. When we left Woodstock, she was pretty tanked since the bar kept giving her free shots and as we're walking to a soju place, she's hanging all over me. The husband was walking up ahead and this girl keeps telling me I should have a girlfriend. She told me I was shy. I'm thinking yeah, you know your husband is drunk, he's about 250 pounds, and there's no chance in hell he likes you molesting some white guy you just met. As I was going home later that night, she ran outside and asked when she would see me again. I said maybe after all the bruises heal after your husband beats the shit out of you tonight.

I went to another bar after that by myself, just planned on having one gin tonic. But then more middle aged Korean guys wanted to be my best friend. They challenged me to darts, loser buys the other beer. I almost wanted to lose, thinking about the next morning but they were the worst darts players I've ever seen. I'd say they only hit the board at a 1/5 clip. So I beat them twice and arranged for a gay threesome on Saturday. It's funny (or tragic) how easy it is for me to hang out with dudes while it's such a pain in the ass dealing with girls and requires way too much effort on my part.

I woke up at 8 on Thursday, still pretty drunk. I was thinking wow I feel ok maybe it wont be so bad. It was by 10 when I got to my first class, which turns out is the one with 12 of the youngest kids, where I was ready to start throwing them and myself through a wall. I quickly remembered why I instituted the no drinking during the week policy after my first month there.

I've got 10 weeks left here and I'm not expecting to be productive or do anything meaningful during that time. I've got three days off next month and then another week off just before I come home, but I have no real desire to travel anywhere or see anything else in Korea. I want to sleep, watch movies, play poker and drink heavily. I have bronchitis again and my eyes burn everyday, the air in this city has raped my body. If you are currently in America, as you take your next breath, full of clean delicious oxygen without toxic chemicals, think of me and pray.

Lesbians.

(This the only column I wrote for the college paper that I did not submit to be published. You might be able to figure out why.)

There comes a time in every man’s life when he must lie in the arms of lesbians. Check the list of needs for any normal guy and it looks something like this: 1. eat 2. sleep 3. beer 4. lesbians (not necessarily in that order). The problem with lesbians is well, they are lesbians. You can not touch them, you can not play with them and you surely can not have sex with them. Despite what you may have seen in Chasing Amy, let me assure you that sweet talking a lesbian will not cause her to immediately forget about her sexuality.

Why do guys wet their pants when they see two girls going at but women would be traumatized for years if they witnessed gay guys getting down? A complex question for sure, but the answer is surprisingly simple. Men actually believe (I do not know why) they can someday bag a lesbian. Therefore when they watch lesbians what they are really seeing is two naked girls rolling around who will one day tickle their pickle. Two naked guys, well, that’s just a little too much hair to be visually appealing. If I were a girl, and no I don’t imagine that more than 4 times a week, I’d totally take watching lesbians play in the mud than watching gay men hammer around. Now could you ever imagine a straight man uttering the following statement: “Oh yeah, I love watching Steve and Mark make sweet love. Lesbians just don’t do it for me.” Thus we have the paradox of gayness.

The whole point of this column was supposed to be how I hate lesbians and maybe hate is not a strong enough word. I despise lesbians. Why would God make beautiful girls who only want to be with other beautiful girls? Talk about holy torture. (Yes, I realize that not all lesbians are smoking, but I live in a fantasy world). While I hold out hope that some of them are just playing a cruel game of hard to get, I realize I will probably be forever cursed to being with only beautiful straight girls. It’s something I must deal with every morning when I roll out of bed and if the numbers are correct, over 42 % of men are suffering from “I’ll never nail a lesbian” syndrome.

I know you are all thinking this has nothing with the University of Richmond, for surely lesbians are way too diverse to attend this school. However, this assumption would be wrong. They are all over the place. They work at the library. They work at D-hall. And at last count, 17 professors were suspected of being hardcore bush hunters.

To give this column some legitimacy, I did a little research by searching for lesbians on Yahoo. After weaving through (weaving = not looking at for more than 10 minutes) the more raunchy sites, I finally came to the first one with some real information. Disregarding the address of the site, lustydevil.com, I read about how recently out lesbians could generate a white lesbian name in order to “cast off the name of their oppressors”. A noble idea indeed. My white lesbian name, and I am not making this up, Pony Windynut.

Back on topic, for those few men out there who still believe they can get a lesbian to give up their lifestyle for a piece of their meat, keep this in mind: Lesbian DO NOT like penis. Actually, this may be the reason why they are lesbians in the first place. It is a known fact that 5 % of all women suffer from an intense fear of the penis (Note: Figures may or may not be accurate). The chances of converting one these girls inflicted with peniphelia is worse than your chances of finding at bargain at the school bookstore. That said, if someone out there does manage to achieve the impossible, let me know and I’ll give you a trophy or a cookie.

I could have sworn I was dancing with girls on the pole

Korean girls tend to hit the bars in groups of three. Typically, each one fits a different mold. One of them is hot, this one will speak almost no English. The second one is average looking and speaks great English. Her job is really just to serve as the translator as I try to talk to the hot one. The problem is always the third girl. She is not good looking and it doesn't matter if she speaks English or not, because she'll either just keep trying to dance with me or just ask repeatedly "You girlfriend, no?" I was in the middle of this situation twice this weekend and not only did I blow it with the hot girls, I'm now supposed to meet both of the "third girls" on different nights this weekend. The soju is going to have to be flowing at unheard of levels.

Not that Bender is gone, I head out a lot more by myself, but like I've said before, you don't stay by yourself for long if you're white in Korea. Actually, you meet a lot more people if you go out by yourself, Koreans tend to be intimidated by groups of white people (ie more than one). So while I miss Bender dearly, it's not bad hanging out with new people every time I go out. On Saturday I brought the horsehead out to woodstock, which is probably what scared the crap out of the hot girl. They had a dance contest, so I went out there, the bartender told me I couldn't wear the horsehead but I told him to play the damn music. He did, I dryhumped the floor and that was the end of my chances with a girl and any dignity I had left for the day.

Had off from work yesterday, so I went downtown Monday night. I thought we were going to Hongdae, but turned out to be Itaewon, and it was just as dirty as I remembered it. Things were pretty chill until we got to Spy, where i was expecting the usual crowd of Russian models to be, but it was dead. So I went on a pole dancing rage (see above) and had to be dragged off the pole and out of the club at one point (sorry zaida). A korean guy in a suit came into the place surrounded by 15 young girls. I tried to hand a few of the girls money. I feel bad about that now.

For a country that doesn't believe in gay people, Korean guys love to act gay. In the last week, one guy fed me for five minutes, another full on two handed ass groped me up an entire staircase and another kept his hand on my thigh for what seemed like an hour. For a guy who spent the ages of 15-24 acting gay at home for a cheap laugh, it's quite odd when an entire country acts that way but has no idea they're doing it, nor do they like it when you laugh.

Next week we move to the early schedule at school which means a 9-5 deal, looking forward to that. Not the first few days when my body is going to be screwed up, but there's something nice about seeing the sunlight during the summer. Cause right now, it's hot and humid so when I get home at 11, all I want to do is pop a sleeping pill and wake up at noon the next day.

I've gone an entire two days without saying a word to a Korean teacher. That is splendid.

Coughing up Green Stuff, Welcome Back to Seoul!

There's a subtle difference between Thailand and Korea. In Thailand, you are a person, just one of many roaming around and unless you have purple hair, tattoos on your face and your pants down, people leave you alone. In Korea, white skin scares people, you're a monster, and it's not the stares that bother me anymore, it's just the all the time feeling that I'm being watched, even if I'm not being stared at. And it's not a friendly feeling, most of the time. Of course, there are plenty awesome Koreans, one guy downtown this morning helped me find the dentist office for a good half an hour in the pouring rain, but there's too much negative b.s. in this country to deal with. Younger Korean guys, forget about it, they act like 12 year olds if they see a white guy even look at a Korean girl. If there was ever a country, that, collectively, just needed to get laid, it is Korea. Loosen up. Chill out. Just try to be a little bit cooler.

Anyway, Thailand was an awesome experience, even though the weather was brutally hot and I dropped a ton of cash. We went to some of the seedier areas in Phuket and Bangkok, mainly because seedy is fun, if used in moderation. Which basically means you go into a bar, a girl is sitting next to you within 30 seconds. They ask you the general rundown, name, age, location, 15 minutes later, they think they have you on a string, they ask you to buy them a drink. That's when you tell them to F-off and wait for the next dumb girl to come over. That was all cool, but in Patpong in Bangkok, we were definitely in a lady boy joint, where half the girls in there did in fact have penises at one point. But you walk in there, and maybe 3 or 4 are obviously guys because they are 7 feet tall and have hands bigger than my head, but the other 100 are hot. Like really hot. Some of them I would stake my life that they were chicks, guys can't be that hot, or I'm gay, but it did cause some serious reflection the next morning when I tried to figure out if I had been heavy-petted by guys all night. On the last night in Bangkok, we hung out with 19 year old German girls, I felt like their grandfather.

The beaches in Phuket, especially Laem Singh were incredible, I was tempted to just sleep on the beach for the next five years. We spent two nights on Phi Phi Island, which is about a two hour ferry ride from Phuket. Something like 2,000 people died there when the tsunami hit in 2004 and that kind of creeped me out. We bought a lot of crap from small children during the trip. It's a great strategy. If a kid begs you to buy something enough, even if it's a rusty old fork, you'll end up giving him twenty bucks for it. We thumb-wrestled a few of them to try to get out of buying a crappy looking rose, but these kids are poor, they put up a good fight and when you've already drank a bucket of Thai Whiskey, well, you lose.

For all the hype around Bangkok, it wasn't as amazing as I was expecting. Some parts even look dirtier than Seoul, and that's sick. The touristy things were OK, but I get sick of looking at crap pretty quickly. I like to do things. Like sleep. Our hostel also would only run the air-con from 6pm-11am, which was annoying. Who the hell wakes up before 11am? The most amazing site in Bangkok wasn't the palaces or temples, but instead the 50 year old white guys walking around with 18 year old Thai guys. Not just walking, but holding hands, hugging. Not behind a wall. In the middle of the mall. I'd give anything to see something like that in Korea. Now I'm certain that I would have had a better time if I decided to teach in Bangkok, but the place isn't cool enough for me to justify the cash I'm going to leave Korea with, not even close really.

Monday was an awful day at work. I got off the plane at 7am, back to my apartment by 11 and then to work at 2. I had missed the kids a little bit, but it was still painful. I made one girl cry because she was being a bitch. Things are better now, I can see the end now, less than 3 months, and all I really need to worry about is going to every doctor and dentist possible here since I probably won't have health insurance in America until 2012.

I brought back a dozen of these little dolls from Bangkok for the Korean teachers. In typical fashion, even when you think you're doing something positive, something bad will probably come out of it if it takes place in Korea. I handed out the dolls on Monday. On Tuesday, the head Korean teacher told me the school director was "sulky" and "pouting" because I hadn't given her a doll. Fact is I rarely see the director plus I just kind of forgot. So now I have the last doll on my desk, just waiting until the director comes into the office again, which will hopefully be sometime before October. I also gave a doll to the girl who gave me a birthday present. Not surprisingly, since she's great, she wrote me a thank you note that I got a few minutes ago. It just says "Teacher, thank you give a doll. It is very cute. Thank you." But then under the note, pre-written on the paper, is "I wish fall in love with you." First off, kind of strange. And second, why don't Koreans get native speakers to spell and grammar check the crap they post all over the city? And also, apparently on the little post it notes they make? Koreans will pay a million bucks to mass produce something that looks completely retarded to anyone that really speaks English. Great business strategy.

Oh, I almost saw a 90-year-old nipslip in Phuket. That would not have been hot.

A bunch more photos from Thailand up top. And yeah, the last one, thats me with the same guy from the banana video, probably taken just moments before I got under a table and simulated fellacio with a pole.

Thailand: I think I feltup a ladyboy last week

Back from Thailand, and here are some of the photos, should be pretty easy to tell which are from the beaches and which are from Bangkok. I'll post more later after I get readjusted to the toxic air in Seoul. I will say this though, the video posted above is not PG-rated. In fact, nobody should watch it, if you do choose to do so, I will state once again, that while my actions may suggest otherwise, I am not gay. Stick around for the 1:15 mark, that's when things get really ugly. Two quick notes, the girl Bender is dancing with is a prostitute, despite what he may claim, and the guy across the table from me is 100 percent gay as I had just seen a photo of him in a bikini before the video was made.

NewsFlash: Tall White Guy Plans to Shag 29 prostitutes in Bangkok

The slight goodwill I was feelings towards Koreans has evaporated within a week. Not really a surprise there. The new foreign teacher, Nathan, big improvement over David, like he doesn't show up to work drunk. Minor things like that. Anyway, he's been a lot more friendly than I was when i first got here, trying to start conversations with the Korean teachers and generally just being nice to them. But of course, they are cold, ice-cold, either that, or they are mentally impaired. Which is quite possible since teaching at a hagwon here, if you're Korean, is liking working at the Burger King of the education system. No one takes it seriously, especially the kids, it's their after "real" school playground. So yesterday one of the Korean teachers started, I won't say scolded, but telling him in a not so sweet way, that he had to give more tests to his classes. But here's the thing, nobody ever told him how things work at the school. I filled him in on most of the details, but there's no orientation, none of the bosses explain how to teach. But still, the Korean teachers get all pissed when he does something wrong. It's like if you took a carpenter, threw him on jumbo jet, told him hey you're a pilot now, then after he crashed the plane into a mountain, you bitched about how could this possibly happen? Didn't he know how to fly a plane? Sometimes I honestly think that all Koreans were born with some kind of genetic disorder that makes them act in the most retarded way possible.

We got pretty wrecked last Friday, which is always the recipe for a worthless weekend. Since Bender was making his last rounds around town, we got a bunch of free drinks. Apparently I also drank one of the bartenders drinks and then immediately forget because when they tried to charge us for it, I bitched like a little girl. We had big plans to get downtown and dance with guys on Saturday, and I was gonna try to sneak out the horsehead, but instead we woke up for 20 minutes to get dinner and then went back to sleep. I hope Bender's last weekend in Korea was all he ever hoped it would be.

It's monsoon season now, which means it's 85 degrees everyday with a humidity level of "I can't get them off my leg" on the well-respected Sack-Stick scale. It also rains everyday, and even when it's not raining, old ladies insist on putting up tent-sized umbrellas over their tiny heads. Then they just stand in the middle of the sidewalk all day waiting for me to try to get around them. Actually, Koreans basically love to use umbrellas for pretty much all weather conditions. If the sun is out, umbrella time. (Hats and sunglasses have not yet been invented in Korea.) If it's cloudy, it might rain and god forbid a drop of that nasty water touches their skin, umbrella time. When it's really raining, the umbrellas are up and Koreans immediately seek safe, sturdy shelter.

One more day of work tomorrow than it's off to Thailand for a week, where my life will be awesome. However, since this trip will involve four different flights, that means there's at least a 95 percent chance of me dying in a fiery wreck so for my own comfort, I just want to say goodbye now. So goodbye and I love you. If I do get lucky and make it back to Seoul, when I do, I will be under three months left in Korea, at which time I will be able to taste America.

Suck my Toes.

J.K. Rowling Hints At Harry Potter Date Rape


Al Qaeda Also Fed Up With Ground Zero Construction Delays

These videos are from the Onion, and they are hilarious.

I have to give Korea some credit here, right when I was about to write it off as a terrible country, it produced some nice surprises for my birthday on Wednesday. After work, grabbed a few beers at Woodstock and out of nowhere, this girl I had met before around town, popped up from the side of the bar with a birthday cake. Then yesterday, the Korean teachers got me a cake and we had a little party, I didn't tell them it was my birthday pretty much to avoid just that, but it was a nice gesture anyway. Although, as was to be expected, I got to my party and then just sat there listening to them speak Korean for a half hour. Today one of the students gave me a present, it was a picture frame that says "Nice memories" on it. That was nice, but I may have actually shed a tear when I read the note she gave me "To Ryan, Happy Birthday to you--Happy Birthday to you--Happy Birthday Dear Ryan Teacher--Happy Birthday to you. Sorry!! I'm late! But, always thank you. I'm meet you very happy :-) I wish you a lot of happy day--always smile--and many many Happy Birthday to you"

I went to the dentist yesterday. I had a good one picked out I found online, it said he went to Harvard and spoke good English so I was all excited. But then I got off the subway and couldn't find the building so I just wandered into this random place. It said dental clinic on it and after 3 hours of sleep the night before combined with xanax, I would have been fine getting a root canal from a drunk guy on the street. That is what I needed though. I'd prefer to go to the dentist when I got home, but a root canal here costs $6. As I expected, since the dentist was Korean, he did not wear gloves at first, but his soft skin in my mouth was quite soothing. He put them on later for some reason, which was a bit of a letdown. Luckily I have five more visits lined up with him, hopefully he doesn't have AIDS though, otherwise I have a 110 percent chance of getting it. But I don't think Koreans can get AIDS, since they are not able to die.


Hold on, is this my second post this week? Oh, forget this. It's Bender's last weekend in Korea, we should be on the sixth bottle of soju by now.