Monday, August 27, 2007

"Teacher, how old do I have to be to get some sweet-ass poon?"

This blog is suffering. I literally have no more photos. So here's a classic horsehead shot. When you're in a bind, you can never go wrong with the H-Head. I went out to Woodstock by myself on Friday night, just planning on having a couple beers and getting to bed early. But it was not to be. Two drunk girls started talking to me and they somehow convinced me to go with them to the crappy dance club in town. This is pretty unusual in the sense that it’s routine for drunk girls to talk to me just for their own amusement, then they tell me to call them and I don’t because they are either terrible or awful. But to actually leave a bar with two girls, they must have been really really drunk. Once we got outside, they insisted on holding my hand so I’m walking down the main drag in town in between two Korean girls. I was incredibly scared. Walking around town at 2am past a bunch of Korean dudes while two Korean girls are hanging on you is basically like me just kicking every single one of those guys in the balls. So I’m surprised they didn’t kick my ass. I might as well have challenged them to a “Whose got a bigger Schlong?” contest. That’s how embarrassing and deflating it is for a Korean man to witness white-on-yellow love.

I think the school director cut off the wireless internet in the office. I would ask about it, but they would know immediately I don’t need the internet for any work related purpose. “Um, hey, what’s wrong with the internet connection?” “Oh, I don’t know, Ryan, do you need it turned on so you can dick around the web watching baseball highlights and poking people on facebook? You asshole.” They wouldn’t actually say that, because even they aren’t retarded enough not to think it. So yeah, things have been rough at the office. I’ve been forced to download movies at night so I can watch them the next day at work. And that’s just inhumane.

I joined a gym last week for the sole purpose of losing 10 pounds so I can gain that all back in a week eating Taco Bell when I get home. Nathan, the other foreigner at my school, goes to the same gym so he’s helped to not look like a complete idiot. I still screw things up a lot, though, so the Korean trainer guys have to come over and yell at me all the time. I hurt my left arm, probably from doing too much the first couple of days after I forget I that the most strenuous workout I had ever done before that was pushing through my mother’s womb in 1982. So now I can’t touch my nose with my left hand. I may soon decide that I was right, and that exercise only ends up hurting you in the end.

The first day at the gym, an older guy helped me out when I accidently put about 200 pounds on a machine, instead of 20. So I was thinking alright cool, nice guy. Then last later on after I got out of the shower, the same guy comes running over to me pointing at the ground in an attempt to tell me to dry the floor. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about Koreans, they will jump at the first chance to order around a foreigner. Nevermind I had gotten out of the shower 20 seconds ago, (and it is wet in the shower), and I had ever intention of drying the floor after I was dressed, I thought this guy was going to strangle me. Next time I see him in the shower, I’m going to smack him in the face with it.

A bunch of my classes this semester are speaking classes. But instead of having the kids actually use theirs head and converse with each other, they just read dialogues from the book for 40 minutes, it's plain torture and I'm surprised the students don't just say "Teacher, get the F out of the classroom, I could learn more watching English pornos all day." (Note- They probably don't watch porn. At least not the good kind.)

I love it when they broadcast soccer games where all the players are 5 years old. They have two announcers and it's pretty professional looking, besides the whole Blind Date type pop-up bubbles that spring up above a kid's head. Not being able to read the bubbles actually makes it more entertaining because then when a fat kid falls on his ass and it pops up, you can just make up your own caption. Like "I'm such an ass" or "I'm never gonna laid when I get older."


Blogger Mike said...

come home ryan. just come home

1:42 PM  
Blogger Kevin said...

Nice horsehead, it will be good to have you home my friend. We must go for a beer! -Kevin-

11:58 AM  
Blogger Kevin said...

I saw mom and dad today. They will be glad when you are home. Hope the time passes quickly. -Kevin-

12:24 PM  
Blogger davefrost said...

korea sounds like it sucks. this was funny.

9:47 PM  

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