Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Disrespecting The Penis at City Hall

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Korean girls love Horses- some too much

This weekend was one of the more, um, interesting ones. Friday was pretty weak since we drank too much soju at two restaurants, completely forgetting that normal people go out to bars on weekends. But Saturday made up for it. After a riveting game of soju war, we headed down to Itaewon. I decided to bring the horse head along because the horse head can only create good experiences. The most amazing part was watching the people on the subway react to it. Most of the time Koreans look absolutely pissed on the subway, but that horse head brought so much joy and laughter to our car. It was truly a community service. One girl jumped back about three feet when she saw Bender sitting there with it on.

Although I wanted Bender to keep the thing on all night since it's much funner watch the horse head instead of wearing it, we got to this barbeque thing outside a bar in Itaewon. My coworker David had invited us, but it turned out to just be like 5 people standing around talking about prostitutes. Hung out inside for a while until David decided he wanted to fight me outside. I decided that was a bad idea, the owner asked me if I knew David and I was like, "yeah, I see him everyday." David almost got tossed, we hung around for 20 minutes and then got the hell out of there.We went to Spy Basement, where all the models in Seoul plus me and Bender hangout. I've never seen more attractive girls in one place, ever. So clearly the only to do in that situation is to toss on the horse head, dance around like an idiot and hope one of the girls is into bestiality. Just to be clear, you can not see a thing out of the head and it's hot as hell, but as it has before, it took ahold of me. I think I did about two different hour long stints with the head on. Everyone loved me and Bender hated that I was getting all the attention. Bender says that at one point a hot Korean girl was dancing with me, but I had no way of knowing that, plus there was no way I was taking the head off.Well, the end of the night gets a little bit dirty. I had the head on, of course and I feel somebody grinding up against my leg. Alright, fine, I'm just hoping it's a girl. She moves behind me. And let's just say she reached around me and grabbed something. Something that a random girl probably shouldn't grab of a guy wearing a horse head. I left the head on again, but the horse just wasn't that innocent anymore. When I did finally take the head off, Bender, being the douche he is, had to point out the Korean girl who molested me. And to no one's surprise, she was not one of the hot girls at the place. She acted and looked like someone who would commit female rape. It was around 5am at this point, so the place had cleared out and we were really just watching this beast run around the club with no shoes on. She kept coming over to try to sit on our laps and who knows what the hell she was doing, but there is one memory, actually two, that have forever ruined the concept of boobs for me. I didn't speak a word to her all night and I was just staring at her in "you are seriously messed up" way, but I guess she thought I was interested. She stood like a foot in front of me, lifted up her shirt, and stole all of the good thoughts I've ever had about girls.

Bender and I were stunned, and again, she may have taken these looks of amazement to mean that we were digging her show, because a couple minutes later, she did the exact same thing again. I've had nightmares about that nipple for a couple nights now. Oh, at one point, she also leaned over to me, made some awful makeout face, and almost knocked me off my chair. It was mighty tough, but I resisted, mainly because I would have made Bender castrate me if any bodily fluids were exchanged with that girl. It was a sketchy night, but also pretty amazing. I'm just glad I didn't drink so much that the whole night would just be a hazy fog (see- every other Friday and Saturday night).

I got a small raise at work, basically by threatening to quit. They also agreed to give me a week off in July, which will hopefully be spent on the beach in Thailand. So I got what I want and it should all be smooth sailing for here on out. The biggest thing I need to decide in my life right now is whether or not to bring the horse head out to Club Night on Friday. Sometimes it is really tough being me.

Photos- from top- me and douche, me and Bender and City Hall downtown.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Best Video Ever Made

Friday, March 23, 2007

Video Blog: Part I'm Gay

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Don't Even Watch This One

An awful club night video from last weekend. I'm only posting it here so I can delete it from my computer. It could possibly entertain me in 10 years.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Britney Spears No Panties Pics Inside!

Sorry, I need that title for google search related reasons. It's important.

Somehow I managed to not go to KFC at all last week, and really, I'm a bit disappointed in myself for that. I've made it a goal to get in there at least twice this week. It's been warmer here lately, it's basically in the 50s everyday now, which is warm enough for me to wear short sleeved shirts. This always manages to make the kids go nuts, who like to point and say "summer clothes, summer clothes". I'm OK with that.

A former college buddy, Damian, was in town last week visiting Seoul, so I met up with him in Hongdae Friday night, along with Cathy and an old teacher from my school. Went to one of the usual clubs, which is always fun, but somehow I banged up my knee pretty bad. The details are quite sketchy as to how that may have occurred. Got home around 530, played some poker, ate McDonalds, drunk-dialed my Dad and fell asleep at 8am. I guess that all sounds pretty terrible, but it's what I do every weekend so I've come to accept it all as somewhat normal.

Bender almost raped me on Saturday night. He took one shot of soju around 11pm, at a bar in Sinchon, and he was finished for the night. Granted, he was sick all week, but if he had went home at that point, I would have either been stuck downtown until 6am or had to pay more than $20 for a cab ride home. Thankfully Bender toughed it out, though I had to finish the bottle of soju on my own, which wasn't that bad. We were supposed to only go to new places, since we've fallen into a habit of going to all the same joints over and over, but of course, we concluded the night at one of the old standbys. The place above the white bar, where Bender likes to make obscure music requests and a ton of white people come to sort of pre-game for dancing with dirty Russian whores later in the night downstairs. Some Korean-American douche molested us at one point. He was from the north shore of Long Island and he kept using all these douchey words like "Money!" We did join him and the fellow whiteys for a car bomb right before they all left. Afterwards one guy asked Bender and I to pay $8 each, to which we just ignored him until he forgot. I think we chipped in $1 for the tab. Maybe we should have paid though cause a few minutes after they left, the fat bartender, who I also said "I love you" to during the course of the night", ran outside to chase them, assumedly to collect the money Bender and I did not pay. Poor douches.

I forced Bender to go to TGIFridays for lunch yesterday. We had successful managed to stay away from overpriced chain restaurants for a long time, but sometimes, after eating so much freakin lettuce and rice, you need a big juicy chunk of meat in your mouth. So I shelled out $20 for a burger and a coke and then felt sick the rest of the day because I was determined to eat everything on the table.

I'm meeting up with ex-boyfriend is gay girl after work. I can only imagine I will find another way to make her scream. Hmm that's doesn't sound right, but it wasn't meant to be dirty. I swear. I returned her call earlier tonight and was just about to tell her I was tired tonight and would rather hangout later in the week, but as I've already come to realize with this girl, you don't get in a word on the phone. Combine that with the fact that she probably only understands about 70 percent of the stuff I say, I pretty much get my ass kicked on the phone. So even though I'm not fully recovered from the weekend, I will proceed to tear apart my body further. I am an idiot.

Photos- Damian and Cathy at the Club and Bender ready to request a song at Upstairs White Bar.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Fat Girl Gets Water in NK

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Hiking my face off

Alright, I'm sober now so I'll try to give a rundown of North Korea. We left Seoul on a bus around midnight on Friday and we didn't get to our hotel until 10am. So that was pretty terrible. At one point, we sat in a parking lot for 2 hours. Going through North Korean immigration was also a joke. There was no building. It looked like a giant catering tent. Bender and I were the last ones through after about another 2 hours and after 3 million South Koreans had already gone through. The hotel was like any Western hotel and they even had CNN, which was a bit surprising. Driving through the DMZ and then along a heavily guarded road with soldiers every hundred feet is a bit depressing. Because you can see outside the fences the poverty the people there live in, but yet you're on a bus driving to the one place in the country that looks anything like a modern civilization.

I didn't sleep at all on the bus and then we didn't eat breakfast for some reason. So clearly after that, it was the perfect time to climb a freakin mountain. It was cold and snowing and Bender was way ahead of me most of the time. He's a douche. The most pathetic thing was watching all the 70 year old Koreans blow by me. At one point coming down the mountain, a Korean lady with a 5 year old kid strapped on her back literally ran past me. I probably should have thrown myself over a cliff at that moment. Also on the way down, there was one spot that was covered in ice and everyone was going across it really slow. A bunch of people fell. The Korean guy in front of me was so adamant about not falling, he stood there for a minute kicking dirt onto the ice. He finally started moving and he was going along fine until out of nowhere someone slips and slides right through his legs. We both fell down. I thought he was going to kill me. After that hike, we skipped some other events because they sounded terrible and I wanted to take a nap. By the time we woke up and made it out of the hotel room, the lobby wasn't serving beer anymore so we went back to the room and watched a documentary on conflict diamonds. It was fascinating.

Oh, I haven't mentioned the douchebags yet. It makes me angry just thinking about them. There were about 6 or 7 people who were the worst people alive on the trip. Every time something went wrong on the trip, one of them was to blame. On the way there, they drank soju on the back of the bus so we had to stop every half hour for them to go to the bathroom. Then they woke up later on Sunday so we waited on the bus for them. And then, in what almost made my head explode, the biggest douche of them all had an expired South Korean visa when we were trying to get back to Seoul on Sunday. That held us up for another hour. When he finally got on the bus, as I had predicted, his fellow douches in the back, all started clapping. I guess the thing that was weird was no one else on the bus seemed angry. I would have joined in a riot to kick his ass if anyone else showed any kind emotion. Somehow we always ran into the douches wherever we went. Every time we tried to use the elevator, they would all be in there, making terrible jokes. One guy asked us if we wanted to "join the team" as they were "on the prowl for girls." It was nice to get to the invite, but apparently none of these guys had looked at any of the girls on the trip. Let's just say most of them were about as large as a minivan. I'll post a terribly inappropriate video I made of one of them trying to get water from the mountain later.

The hike on Sunday was much better, although we couldn't go all the way to the top because we didn't have spikes on our shoes or something. I wasn't that disappointed. Overall, it was a good experience even though we saw so little of the actual country. The whole hiking thing almost killed me and I don't plan on ever going near a mountain again, but I guess physical exertion is important sometimes.

Bender forgot to mention this in his blog, so let me get out in front of this first. Two minutes after we got into the bus on Friday night, I made a joke referring to how it was all white people on the bus. There was another bus on the trip so I said "It would be funny if there were all Africans on the other bus." Of course, the one black girl on the trip was sitting right next to me. Needless to say, I didn't speak to that girl at all.

On a side note, before I made that terrible video blog last night, I saw Min Hye at a bar. This is the girl I met a few weeks ago and then I was supposed to meet up with her last Sunday to eat nasty Korean pizza, but I was tired and going on a date with Bender. I was actually having a decent conversation with her, but then she mentioned her ex-boyfriend again. That's when I did something just downright cruel. I told her that her ex-boyfriend had made out with a guy. At least that's what I had heard. Man, I've never seen a girl freak out like that. She kept screaming oh my god over and over. Then she would say "No, my boyfriend is not gay." To which I would reply, "Well, maybe just a little gay." I also told her that I thought he was gay when I first met him. So yeah, I'm an asshole. She did tell me to call her as I was walking out of the bar, so maybe she likes torture.

I love Beer

Here's a portion of a North Korea video blog before the battery died and I just didn't give a shit anymore, maybe I'll post more later....

(Editor's Note- WARNING:This video contains a completely unnecessary amount of profanity. Watch at your own risk.)

Monday, March 12, 2007

North Korea Photos

Monday, March 05, 2007

Titles Take Too Much Effort

Mixed response I guess on the video blog thing. It does seem like a cool concept, but I do understand that people generally only want to check my blog at work when there's absolutely nothing else to do. So I'm gonna mix it up. Video sometimes, archaic written posts sometimes.

I'm writing this from a PC room in Gangnam while I wait for Bender to turn up. He's out with a terrible Korean girl. I met a Korean guy who's studying law in China at Woodstock on Wednesday night and then I saw him again last night. So I sat with him and this girl, who apparently dated a former white teacher at my school. I didn't tell her this, but I have met this guy before and he's kind of a tool. I also heard that he hooked up with a dude. Which might make him gay. Anyway, the guy left Woodstock after a while, leaving me to discuss my feelings with the girl. Seriously, she was going on and on about how she really missed her old white boyfriend and how they had planned to get married. It was god awful. And then she would ask me if I ever felt like that. The only thing that I felt at the time was an overwhelming desire to smash my beer glass over her head. I couldn't tell if it was awful because she is Korean or because she is a girl. No offense, girls, but you talk about a whole lot of boring shit that guys have no desire to listen to. So the next time you're with a guy and you're thinking, oh maybe i should tell him about -insert anything that involves feelings, ex-boyfriends, clothes etc.- please make sure the guy is either sleeping or in a coma first. After all that, I'm supposed to call this girl tomorrow so we can meet up and she can buy me some kind of gross Korean pizza with squid and onions on it. I will likely be a dick and send her a text message informing her that I can't make it. (Update- I did blow her off, choosing instead to go out to dinner with Bender. Say what you will about that decision. The girl responded with this text "That's OK. Don't care about it. We have lots of time....Have fun."

Speaking of strange Koreans, this guy Wilson, the guy who promised me the world a few months ago in the form of free plane tickets and other goodies, is back on the radar. At first I thought he just took me for a ride, since I did lay out $25 the first night I hung out with him, because he hadn't received his $10,000 a month allowance from his parents yet. But then I never heard from him again, leading me to send an uncalled text message stating "You owe me money. I will kill you." So when he finally did call me a few weeks later, that was awkward, with me having to reassure him that I did not actually have intentions to kill him. He called me last week, said he was going to New Zealand. First he gave me some girl's phone number, who he said "likes white guys." He called back two minutes later to see if I had called the girl yet. Then he asked me if I wanted him to bring me back a "pre
sent, like a necklace or sweater." I swear if this guy wasn't always talking about girls and giving me random phone numbers I'm never going to dial, he'd be the Korean Clay Aiken. I declined his offer for a gift after explaining to him that I thought it would be a little weird, since I've seen the guy twice in my life. He called again today while I was in the cab on the way to work, but I didn't pick up. The guy chews through my prepaid phone minutes. Even when I explained how a prepaid phone works, he started rambling about how he could get me a new phone with 100 hours a month on it. Even if he was serious, I would never go for that because that'd basically mean I'd have no excuse to not spend 100 hours on the phone with him. Eh, he'll probably be my best friend when Bender leaves.

The new semester started Friday. I'm teaching 31 classes a week now, which means I'll get an extra $80 a mo
nth in overtime. It's pretty brutal though teaching 7 classes a day, by the 5th class in a row, the kids just aren't getting me at my best and really, my best is still pretty terrible. I spent every class on Friday going over new rules for the semester. I figure if I can just eliminate the yelling and screaming in some of my classes, I won't drop dead before June. Basically if the kids speak korean, don't do their homework, get out of their seat, talk when they don't have the reading ball, or just generally annoy me, they have to write 100x that they will never do that thing again. They will, of course, do that thing again, but at least by making them write during class, it forces them to shutup for a little while.

Went to a club on Saturday night where a Korean guy knocked a drink out of my hand on purpose. I was a bit drunk at the time, but it was still pretty shocking. I don't remember what he was saying to me beforehand, but there was my drink all over the floor. I just sat there thinking about how I would have fought him if it weren't for the whole you go to jail for 10 years if you throw a punch, but a few minutes later, I saw the same guy jawing with a British guy. At that point, I helped the British guy convince an employee to boot the guy. The amazing thing about it is that at this club, there's never a lot of people, but the number of white guys always far outnumbers Korean guys. I guess this guy just wanted to screw with white people for no reason. Maybe he caught a glimpse of a white guy at the urinal and he felt the need to pick a fight to make up for his, um, lack of manhood.

(Photos- All from around Gangnam)

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Korean Jenga

Thank god this isn't the game I lost on like the 3rd try. That was super embarrassing.